


The Plague

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M, Possible Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-22 20:40:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6093411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur's forced to accept Merlin's magic whilst Merlin helps Gaius deal with a plague.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you right here, right now!” demands Arthur. Merlin looks at him. He doesn’t look surprised by Arthur's reaction, which is a little jarring. But he’s clearly upset by it.

“I’m sorry, Arthur” he says quietly. He drops his hand from where it’s just cast the spell to light the fire in Arthur’s chambers, and turns to face Arthur. The firelight flickering betrays the tears in his eyes which aren’t falling. 

“Why? What are you planning?” demands Arthur, stepping forward menacingly and motioning at the fire. Merlin frowns at it a moment, then looks back at Arthur. 

“I wasn’t planning anything. I was trying to be quick, Gaius needs me back to help with the plague victims, and I....”starts Merlin. 

“How do I know this plague isn’t your doing either?” asks Arthur, cutting in. 

“Arthur, I know you’re upset, but don’t be stupid.” Says Merlin, there’s a sternness in his voice now.

“Oh, stupid now, am I? Well obviously I am! Couldn’t see you for the sorcerer, the traitor you are! Couldn't...” Merlin cuts Arthur off mid rant. 

“That's not what I meant and you know it! Why would I send a plague? What reason could I have for killing all those people? And why, having sent it, would I spend weeks helping Gaius try and save those who’ve got it?” Arthur looks him in the eye, annoyed. But Merlin simply returns the look with equal emotion. Annoyed, Arthur turns away. He hates it when Merlin has a point.

“Maybe you changed your mind about the plague.” He says, but it’s half hearted.

“If I had the power to create it, I’d have the power to stop it. Which I’d do, if I could. But I can’t! So would you mind not executing me until the plague has run its course?” says Merlin, and there’s definitely a twitching round the mouth as he says that. Arthur feels his throat tighten at the thought, but Merlin is a sorcerer. He is also the only assistant of the head physician, and the great plague has returned. If he locks Merlin up he could be condemning countless people. And who will nurse Gaius if he contracts the plague? Merlin could be plotting, but if he isn't? All those people would have died for no reason. And if he can create a plague, a jail cell isn't going to stop him No. Arthur realises he hasn't really got a choice. 

“Fine. Now, get out of my sight!” Says Arthur turning his back on Merlin. After a moment he hears the door click shut.


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur is standing as patiently as he can as George un-dresses him. George is chattering away about various castle gossip. Usually Arthur would be interested in it, but he's tetchy today. George has set a fire, which is crackling away gently in the background, throwing a pleasant warm light on everything. But it's not doing anything to improve Arthur's mood. And George's attempt at small talk is only grating Arthur. Even he has to admit that it's partly because George isn't Merlin. But he doesn't want Merlin. Well, he shouldn't want Merlin back. He's a traitor and a liar. And he's just spent just over a month tending to the many victims of the plague. Arthur has seen very little of him. It's not advisable for the King to spend time around plague victims, for risk of catching it. 

"And Molly's young man has finally proposed." says George, breaking Arthur's train of thought. George is making slow work with the knots that tie on Arthur's plate armour.

"Have you had any news from Gaius?" says Arthur, which he's asked every week or so since the plague started. He's longing for it to finish, but then again, part of him is dreading it. Because that means he's got to decide what he's going to do about Merlin. Because he's still mad, livid. And not having Merlin around hasn't helped that. But he has had time to think. And as angry as he is, he's not sure he can sign an order of execution.

Arthur looks up, George looks a little nervous, frowning slightly, he's fiddling with the last piece of plate he's just removed. And he takes a moment to turn around and place it on the table with rest of them.

"George." says Arthur.

"He... he's only had one new case this week. And he's only got two patients now. One will be discharged tomorrow." says George. He seems final in his phrasing, as if hoping to close the subject. It seems suspicious.

"That's good news." says Arthur, letting George help him out of his chair mail, the process is not particularly dignified. Then Arthur turns to the bed, starting to pull off the cloth under-layer of his clothing, as George puts his armour away.

"George, as things are improving, can you ask Merlin to report to me tomorrow morning." Arthur can sense the way George tenses. It's not surprising, he thinks. Ever since that day he'd discovered Merlin's magic, they haven't spoken. And he hasn't spoken of him. He knows people have noticed, that people are talking. But he doesn't care. Any time anyone has raised the subject, he's shut them down. He's made it clear he's not interested in discussing Merlin with anyone. In fact only two days ago he'd shut George down when he'd tried to discuss him. But he's the king, he has the right to talk and not talk as he sees fit.

"I... I'm sorry Sire, that won't be possible." says George, and he sounds nervous.

"Why not?" says Arthur, turning on George sharply. George pales at Arthur's look.

"Sire..."

"No, I demand to know why! Has he left? If they only have two patients..."

"Sire, please..." says George trying to cut.

"Come on, out with it!" Arthur knows he's over-reacting. But he hasn't been able to express his anger at Merlin for so long, that now seems the perfect time to vent some of it. But George just looks at him for a moment. His eyes look scared, but strangely, mainly sad. Even pitying.

"Sire, I'm sorry. I did try to tell you a couple of days ago." Arthur frowns at him, confused, stepping forward.

"George" says Arthur, trying to sound threatening, but even as he says it, he can hear the hint of worry, maybe even fear in his own voice.

"Sire, the new case, this week..." says George. Arthur thinks he knows what George is going to say, and if it is what he thinks it is...

"It's Merlin, sire. Gaius believes he caught it from one of the earlier patients. And he's been working so long, so many hours..." George is so apologetic that Arthur wonders if he thinks he's responsible. As if he gave Merlin the plague himself. 

"George... would you... please can you leave me." says Arthur with as much composure as he can muster.

"Sire, would you like me to..."

"Just, get out, George!" shouts Arthur. And as soon as the door latch clicks shut, the first tear pours out of his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously guys, I love any comments!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Arthur finds himself walking down to see Merlin. He feels like he's doing it in a dream, as if he's watching someone else who is Arthur, walk these corridors which are so familiar. His mind feels fragmented, like broken mirror, with one piece horribly worried, one guilty for not asking about Merlin earlier, another still so angry, another upset by Merlin's betrayal, wary, no, suspicious of his magic. And that's just facets that Arthur can identify. How he's supposed to resolve them, make sense of them... which will win out, he doesn't know. Doesn't even know where to start, so that the overwhelming feeling is of being overwhelmed, confused, cut loose. 

He stops at the door. Maybe he should turn back. He's not in any state to talk... He's dying... possibly dying. The last thing he needs is an emotional Arthur. Merlin doesn't deserve it anyway. In fact it's probably a good thing... What if this is the last chance Arthur has to speak to him... What will he say any way? 

Throwing care to the wind, he pushes the door to Gaius' chambers open and walks in. 

"I'll be with you in a minute!" shouts a muffled but anxious Gaius from what must be Merlin's room, up a wooden set of stairs Arthur has never really paid attention to. Across the room there's also an empty pallet bad, with crumpled sheet. The occupant is nowhere to be seen, and Arthur hopes that the presence of the sheet indicates that patient left on his feet and not in a coffin. 

He stands clenching his hands into fists and then stretching them out again over and over again until Gaius appears at the top of the stairs. 

"Oh. Sire." Gaius looks around for a moment, his own hand gripping the rail like Arthur's presence has drained him a little. 

"Sire, you shouldn't be here. There is still a risk of contagion." he says eventually. 

"I want to see Merlin." says Arthur, looking at him. 

"As your physician, Sire, I must forbid it. Even to be in this room is risk enough, to be the presence of a plague victim..."

"Will he die, Gaius?" he cuts Gaius off, trying to sound as if it's the most ordinary, boring thing. As if he's purely thinking of castle staffing. He knows he hasn't fooled Gaius, when the man looks at him under those heavy brows with such sorrow and more sympathy than Arthur expected. 

"It is very likely, sire. He is very sick, and he is not responding to my tinctures as I'd hope." 

Arthur feels a few breaths leave him with more weight than he'd like, like there's lead at the bottom of his lungs. 

"Then I want to see him." says Arthur. 

"You cannot save him, Sire, and he would not forgive me..."

"Who said I wanted him to live?" he shouts. Gaius straightens a little, his hands clasping in front of him, and his lips pursing and he may as well have slapped Arthur. Blinking quickly, he decides he's had enough and mounts the stairs, two at a time, and pushes past Gaius, into Merlin's room. 

Merlin is lying on the bed, and he looks pale. For a moment that seems to last forever, Arthur thinks he's too late, because Merlin isn't moving, and he's far too pale, and just staring at the wall to the side of him. Arthur feels like he's having his skin peeled off all over, until Merlin's head lifts, glances at Arthur, then turns to look at the other side of the room. 

"You sho.... shouldn't be here." says Merlin, and a full body shiver runs through him. 

"You're not allowed to die." says Arthur, and then wonders why he said it. 

"Didn't realise I was so important." says Merlin, and there's a bitter edge to it. Of course, he would have heard what Arthur shouted at Gaius. 

"You're not." says Arthur, bitterly in retort, and part of him is screaming because Merlin's dying and he's being petty. But he's upset and in pain, and it's Merlin's fault, it's all Merlin's fault. 

"Then why do you care?" asks Merlin.

"Because you betrayed me. You need to pay for that. Dying is the easy way out." 

"Easy..!" Merlin's exclamation descends into hacking coughs, and Gaius is pushing back past him, to brace Merlin so that he can cough more easily. As Gaius turns him, Arthur can see the way Merlin's face contorts in agony at his coughs. And he can see more clearly the sheen of sweat against the unnatural pallor of his skin. 

"Sire, you should leave now." states Gaius, and this time his eyes flash angrily, even if his words are calm. Shaking, and more confused than when he entered, Arthur runs from the room.


	4. Chapter 4

It's three weeks before Merlin returns to work, and Arthur is counting down the days. Not that he would admit it. He's angry, still, after nearly two months, but it's difficult to be angry at someone who isn't there, and besides, he does feel a little bad. Okay, no really quite bad. Telling Merlin that dying was the easy way out, acting as if his only concern for Merlin was some kind of petty revenge, that was beneath Arthur, and he can see that. He tells himself the only reason he didn't go back to apologise was because of the risk of plague, but he knows that that too was an act of cowardice. 

When Merlin returns, it's clear everything's changed. His look is enough to show Arthur that. It's guarded, but Arthur can see emotion behind it. What that emotion is, he's not sure. Anger, certainly, and hurt. Maybe possibly even hatred. And he doesn't like that, he really doesn't. 

"Merlin, I... I wanted to say... about before..." he starts

"Forget it." says Merlin, putting Arthur's breakfast down on the table and walking out. 

Arthur buries his face in his pillow, because this is serious. 

"Merlin please..." he tries again, as Merlin's dressing him for training. 

"What?" snaps Merlin, not looking up at him. 

"Please, look at me." says Arthur, not moving. Merlin does look up at him, and the venom in his eyes almost makes Arthur step back, but he does blink. 

"Merlin, I'm sorry, for how I reacted, for the things that I said. I shouldn't have said them. And... and I was worried... that's why I came to see you." 

Merlin is holding his look, but he is blinking slightly, and taking deeper breaths. 

"And I have missed you, it's not... it's not been the same, with George..."

"You're an arse and I hate you." says Merlin, bluntly.

"Wh..."

"Do you know how many times I've saved your life, how many times I've nearly died keeping you alive, all for you to say 'dying would be the easy way'!" 

"What? Saved me, Merlin..."

"Yes! Saved you! You're meant to be some great king someday, but I don't believe that any more, because you... you accused me of causing a plague then wished me dead! Then you didn't even have the courage to come and apologise! That was a month ago!" Merlin is really yelling now. 

"Three weeks and two days..." Arthur trails off at the ferocity in Merlin's eyes. 

"I hate you! And I will never forgive you. And from now on you're on your own. I'm your servant, and that's all I am from now on. I'm not your friend, I'm not saving your arse. I serve you food, wash your clothes and help you dress." With that Merlin returns to angrily tying Arthur's armour on, tugging violently at all of the ties, and Arthur's sure he's cut off circulation in at least three places. Subdued, Arthur heads out for training. 

\---

It's been a week, a long week, where Arthur has never felt more exposed or alone. He's not sure why, no one else is ignoring him. But everyone's picked up on their rift, and Merlin's popular. So people are eyeing him warily, he knows they're wondering what he's done. 

So he decides to try and clear the air. Some time, just to two of them, to talk things through. 

"We're going on a hunt." he announces as he walks into his chambers to find Merlin putting his clothes away. Merlin doesn't react. 

"Tomorrow, at dawn" he continues "We'll need provisions and my bow and arrow. Have the horses ready."

"Which horses?" asks Merlin. Arthur frowns.

"Mine and yours" he says, because it's so obvious. Who else would he be taking? 

"Why would I hunt with you? I'm not your friend or one of your knights." says Merlin, neatly folding a shirt, showing far more effort than Arthur's even seen him show with a shirt before. 

"Because I'm asking you, you've always come before. You'll carry the provisions and..." says Arthur, frowning a little, because this shouldn't be this difficult. 

"I have too much to do, your armour was a mess after training, and several of your clothes need repairs." says Merlin, lifting up the pile and placing it in the wardrobe

"Merlin, I'm asking you..." says Arthur stepping forward, trying to look open. 

"No." says Merlin. "I meant what I said. I'm only your servant now." and then he's closing the wardrobe and walking past Arthur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure about where I'm going with this, so please feel free to leave any comments, idea, etc. Cos it could get very dark...


	5. Chapter 5

It's been a week, and Merlin's not relenting. He's still glaring at Arthur, and doing only what he has to and Arthur really, really hates it. Merlin's ignoring him right now, as he tidying the room. The silence is heavy. Arthur picks up the piece of ham on his plate and looks at it. But this tension between them is unsettling him, unsettling his stomach. He should probably see Gaius about it. Shaking his head and frowning, he puts his fork down and leans his elbow on the table so that he can lean his head on it for a moment. He feels his face drop like a mask for a moment, feels his mouth drop, and his eyebrows draw into a frown. he wants to cry, but Merlin is here, and he wouldn't care. 

"I ah...., Merlin, will you take this away." he says, leaning back, away from his plate. Merlin puts Arthur's wash basin down heavily and walks over to the table. He looks at the plate, still mostly full of food, then up at Arthur. There's disapproval and for a moment Arthur thinks Merlin is going to berate him about eating properly. Like the mother hen he can be sometimes. Except that he just looks, then picks the plate up. 

"I ah, I wasn't hungry." he says and knows he sounds pathetic. "Just in case you were worried..."

"Why would I be worried? You can afford to miss a lunch or two" says Merlin. But it's not the witty retort it would usually be. There's venom behind it. Merlin wants it to hurt, and it does. Although Merlin doesn't see it, as he's already picked up the plate and walked out of the room. 

\---

It's after that that Arthur starts having trouble with food. At first it's a general disinterestedness, and yes, even Arthur will admit that it's because he wants Merlin to see it. When he says he's not hungry, when he says his stomach hurts or he feels nauseous, he wants Merlin to turn and look at him and do something, say something. But he just seems to be getting even more irritated or determined not to pay Arthur any attention at all. He goes on like this for another week and then, holding his stomach and complaining, he tells Merlin he can't stomach his dinner, again. 

"Sire," says Merlin, and that's never a good sign "If you're feeling unwell, I suggest you ask for Gaius."

"I... I don't feel that unwell, I wouldn't want to bother him..." says Arthur.

"Then shut up" snaps Merlin, turning to glare at him. Arthur wants to yell back. But he wants Merlin back more, so he bites his tongue. Then he forces himself to eat another bite, which tastes like ash, and pushes the plate away. But he doesn't mention food again, even if he does only pick at what's in front of him. Merlin must see that he's only eating half what he previously ate, or less. But the fact is that Merlin simply doesn't care, and it becomes a viscous cycle. Merlin doesn't care, which upsets Arthur, which means he doesn't eat, which means he sees Merlin not caring, which means he gets even more upset. 

So he decides that the best thing to do is to hide that he isn't eating. Because he's still not hungry, and he's still anxious. But at least then he won't have to think about the fact that Merlin hates him so much he doesn't if Arthur starves to death. So he starts smuggling the food away when Merlin's not looking, or not in the room. Wrapping it in handkerchiefs he then purposefully gets ridiculously dirty. 

\---

But then there is the feast. And Arthur is expected to eat, and he knew it going into the evening. He tries to chat with the knights as he does. but he knows they're all aware of the tension between himself and Merlin. And he's pretty sure, judging from the looks he's getting, that Gwaine has sense the rift, and decided that Arthur is the cause. Which he is, he can see that. But Gwaine can't see how many times he's tried to win Merlin over, and he likes to think he'd have a little more sympathy if they knew. 

He tries to just eat small mouthfuls, but he's only had half a plate when he realises it's been over two weeks since he's eaten this much, and it's not sitting well. Not only that, but they're only an hour into a feast which is due to last at least three more hours. He tries just drinking and talking for a while, but a servant walks by and puts more food on his plate. A lot more food A large piece of pheasant. He glances to see if it's Merlin, but it isn't. Merlin is at the other end of the room, studiously ignoring him, so he can't even wave him over to refill his glass. 

"Isn't the pheasant succulent, Sire?" asks someone, Leon he thinks, and he smiles and nods, and nervously takes a bite. It's swimming in fat and herbs and his stomach is clenching and his throat working hard to make himself swallow. 

"Sire, are you alright?" 

Arthur doesn't stop to answer, or even to see who it is whose asked, before he's running from the room, pushing roughly passed people. He only just makes it to the courtyard before he throws up.


	6. Chapter 6

Gaius is the one who checks him over. He seems mildly concerned, although without a fever or any other discernible symptoms he seems more perplexed than worried. Merlin puts him to bed without a word, frowning at him in an annoyed but slightly confused way. And in the morning, when Arthur says he's not hungry, Merlin says

"I know it's probably still uncomfortable, but you need to eat." Arthur almost smiles at that, and forces himself to have half the bowl of porridge, which, being plain, isn't too bad, but he still feels full. 

Merlin beings him bread and cheese for lunch, which Arthur does manage, because he wants Merlin to see that he appreciates Merlin making the effort. And after lunch, feeling a little better, and that Merlin might be, finally, thawing towards him, he heads out for training.

When he returns Merlin is there to undress him. 

"Training went well" he says, smiling a little. Merlin glances at him, and the glare is back. Arthur feels his stomach drop, and this time it leaves him feeling really nauseous. 

"I... how was your day?" he tries. 

"Oh, I've had great fun cleaning your room and doing your laundry" he snaps. And Arthur feels both upset and angry. 

"That is your job, Merlin." he says, trying to sound as calm as possible. 

"Yes, as is dressing and undressing you. But being your friend isn't. So why don't you just let me get on with it." says Merlin, moving to start doing the ties behind Arthur's back. Arthur can feel himself taking great, deep measured breaths, trying to stop himself crying. Blinking over and over, trying to keep the tears in his eyes. Merlin must be able to hear it, feel it. But he doesn't say anything, doesn't pause in what he's working on. So Arthur just has to stand there until Merlin is finished. Merlin gathers the armour in his arms and then half turns back to Arthur. 

"Your bath is ready, I'll be back in a couple of hours with dinner."

\---

When he returns with dinner, Arthur is sat at his desk, desperately try concentrate on the paperwork in front of him, rather than think about the fact that Merlin still isn't talking to him. 

"Dinner." announces Merlin, dropping the plate down loudly, making Arthur jump. 

"I... I'm not hungry" says Arthur. 

"You need to eat." says Merlin. 

"I need to finish this decree, I'll eat once I've..." starts Arthur. 

"Gaius says I have to see you eat. He thinks there's something wrong with you. Personally I don't. I think you're doing it for the attention..."

"I threw up!" objects Arthur

"No fever, no rash, you haven't thrown up since. You're doing it to get sympathy. Well you got it from everyone else, but it won't work with me. Now eat that, then I can go and get my own." states Merlin bluntly. 

Arthur feels his stomach drop dangerously again. But he makes himself get up and go to the table, his heart hammering like he's entering a contest. And he makes himself eat, although he feels sick at every mouthful. And he makes himself eat the whole lot. Then, as soon as Merlin has picked up the plate and cup and left, he runs over to his chamber pot and throws up in it. But now Merlin will be really angry. He'll really think Arthur is doing this on purpose. Arthur sits over it for a while, forcing back tears, but they come anyway. Then he gets up, and washes his face in his basin of water and realises he needs to empty the chamber pot without Merlin knowing. 

So, like a convict escaping his own castle, he sneaks out and down the courtyard, and empties the chamber pot. But it still smells, so he washes it out at a nearby pump. He hears footsteps behind him, and ducks his head. It's dark, he could be anyone in the cloak he's pulled on. 

"Merlin!" yells Gwaine behind him. 

"Gwaine! Where have you been out to?" 

"Here and there?"

"Oh? Is that what they've renamed the tavern just outside the gates?" says Merlin, and Arthur misses the jest in his voice. 

"Oh, ha ha. I hear princess was sick last night, is he alright?"

"He's fine." says Merlin, and there's a bite to it. 

"You alright, Merlin. I know the princess can be... himself, but..."

"Arthur's an arse and always will be, why should I care if he's ill or not?" demands Merlin. 

"Merlin... no offense, but this isn't you. We all know Arthur can be a five star prat, but he's a good man. YOU told me that." says Gwaine, and he sounds serious. Arthur's surprised by his loyalty. 

"Well then I was wrong." says Merlin, and that cuts like a knife. After that Merlin and Gwaine walk away, and Arthur is left standing, holding the chamber pot under the freezing water pump. He shakes himself, wipes his eyes on the arm of his sleeve, and walks back to his room. But it still smells of sick. And Merlin will be back to help him prepare for bed, so he opens all of the windows. 

"Why do you bother asking me to light the fire if you're going to let the room freeze by opening the windows?" demands Merlin when he comes in later. Arthur's stomach lurches at the reprimand.

"I was hot..." he says.

"Then get someone to bank the fire, don't waste fuel!" snaps Merlin, picking up Arthur's abandoned washing, closing the windows and leaving without another word. Arthur curls up to go to sleep, and tries to ignore his stomach as it starts to growl.


	7. Chapter 7

Merlin standing over Arthur, and Arthur later throwing up his dinner becomes a habit. Not every night, but enough. At breakfast and lunch times it's more difficult, but Merlin generally brings him less, so it's easier for Arthur to actually eat without being sick or to secrete somewhere so that he can get rid of it later. Arthur thinks he should probably be worried about how much less he's eating, but it's so much easier to worry about how Merlin still absolutely despises him. He thinks he should fire him, because this is becoming completely untenable, but he doesn't want to, he wants Merlin to stay, but he wants the old Merlin back. The Merlin before the plague. And he wonders if maybe Merlin still has the plague, in a way. Or maybe he has and that's why he keeps being sick. 

But he knows he's not ill, not the way Merlin was. He knows that the reason he throws up his lunch after being dressed for training, when no-one's around, is because of how much he wound himself up trying to build up the courage to fire Merlin, and not being able to do it. And how Merlin had made him feel terrible by pointing out Arthur's bad breath. Because for every time he's sick, he can point to something that made him feel sick. 

But then, just over a month later, Arthur is out training, fighting Leon in full armour, with his sword, which feels heavy in his hands. And Leon's rushing at him, but then he's slowing down, which is just as well, because the world is spinning and it feels like there's a great weight resting, beyond all logic, right on Arthur's forehead, pressing him back.

"Sire?" comes Leon's concerned voice, but Arthur is struggling to angle his head to look at him. And his knees are buckling and he's got just enough sense left to halfheartedly throw his sword to the side of him before he hits the ground and loses consciousness. 

\---

Merlin tries not to be concerned when he and Gaius are called to Arthur's chambers after Arthur is taken sick during training. And he tells himself he shouldn't feel guilty for not having been there, because he can't be expected to just stand and what whilst Arthur hacks around with a sword. 

But Arthur does look pale, and he's unconscious, so Merlin's first thoughts of some kind of cry for help are quickly dispelled. He helps Leon quickly strip Arthur of his armour and chain mail. 

"He feels light..." says Leon, who is holding him up by his shoulders as Merlin pulls the chain mail back over his head and arms. Merlin feels his heart pound a little. He shouldn't care, Arthur didn't care. But as Leon manages by himself to lay Arthur on the bed, Gaius moves towards him. He holds Arthur's face between his hands and moves it from side to side. 

"His face is drawn." he says without emotion. Then he's gently lifting up Arthur's shirt to examine his chest. And Leon's gasp is audible. Merlin moves around to see what they're looking at. Arthur's skinny. No, more than that. Several ribs are protruding, and his stomach dips in in a curve that even Merlin is worried by. 

"I thought I told you to make sure he was eating." hisses Gaius, shooting a scathing glare at Merlin, which is incredibly unfair.

"I have! I watch him every day!" snaps Merlin back, because he may be angry with Arthur, but he's not disobediant.

"He must be ill" he says, moving a little closer, and feeling a pang of guilt that he's not believed Arthur about whatever this is. 

Gaius is resting his hand against Arthur's forehead, and his own forehead is furrowed in concern. 

"If... if he's been eating but still losing weight, then it must be something wasting...and he... he may not have much time. Have you noticed any other symptoms? Anything else unusual?" Merlin swallows because he has spent the last month resolutely ignoring Arthur in every way possible. 

"He's... be's been more sullen... and his breath has started to smell." it's all he can think of, and he knows he should know more, should have noticed this sooner. 

"That's not a good sign, not combined with this level of weight loss. But how have you not noticed this Merlin! Look at him! You help dress him and bath him, how long has he been like this?" demands Gaius, frowning at Merlin again.

"I... I don't know. I think I noticed him bucking his belt to the tightest hole... a week ago... I didn't think much about it..." And Merlin's heart is really hammering. Because Gaius is always calm and collected. 

"Didn't think?! I told you to make sure he was eating and you didn't think him going doing in belt size like that worth mentioning?!" Gaius stands up and walks towards Merlin. 

"He wished me dead!" shouts Merlin in reply. 

"And what do you think you're doing now?! Look at him!" Merlin glances over at him, and yes, Arthur does look a little corpse like. 

"Gaius I..." starts Merlin, and he feels really dreadful. But there's still a flare of anger there and maybe Gaius can see it because he turns away with a hint of disgust.

"I think you need to leave... for a while. Go and visit your mother."

"But... but if he..." starts Merlin. 

"Can you forgive him? Are you his friend again now?" Merlin wants to say yes, the pull in his heart to say yes, which surprises him. But he can't say it, feels his lips pull together in a heavy silence. 

"Then you are no good to him now. And no good to me in trying to help him. So I expect you gone before I return, and let George know I will be needing him immediately." says Gaius definitely. Merlin drops his head and goes to walk out the door. 

"Merlin." says Gaius, and Merlin pauses "I'll write if..." Merlin tries not to think about that if as he walks out of Camelot, feeling torn in half.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry, guys...

Merlin's mother is concerned when Merlin appears unexpectedly at the door to her cottage that evening. She even steps forward, as if to embrace whatever friend of Merlin's may walk through the door, and frowns when she's greeted only by an empty, dark evening. 

"Just you?"

"Who else would there be?" asks Merlin shortly.

"Well, last time you brought the king of Camelot with you." she says, turning back to smile at him, but looking a little confused. Merlin feels his heart jump at that, and not in a comfortable way. 

"No. He won't be joining us." he says. 

"Oh? Is everything okay? Merlin?" she says, frowning again, but more deeply, as she looks at his face. He's looking down and frowning himself, not that he's stopped since leaving Camelot. Maybe even longer. He hadn't been looking forward to explaining the situation to his mother, because the longer that he'd thought about it on the lonely trip here, the more he felt his mother might not be able to see his side of the story. Not that he was in the wrong. Well, he was starting to feel even more uneasy about that too, if he was completely honest with himself. He was honest enough with himself to recognise that he wasn't comfortable with the distance between himself and Arthur now. Not the emotional distance, he still didn't care too much about that, but the physical distance. What if something happened? He wouldn't know, wouldn't be able to get back to them quickly. He probably shouldn't care, he thinks. But he's beyond fooling himself that he isn't at least a little concerned. It's just a general concern for Camelot, he tells himself, shaking, as if it will shrug off the worry. He had even thought about turning back, but something had pushed him stubbornly on, away from Arthur. The same thing which was stopping him forgiving Arthur, despite the image of Arthur in his bed being imprinted on Merlin's mind. The way his cheeks had been drawn in, how pale he'd been, his ribs sticking out... 

"Merlin?" repeats Hunith, drawing Merlin from his thoughts.

"I... ah. Arthur and I... we fought, he knows, he..."

"Are you banished? Has Arthur threatened you? Are you hunted?" she's coming over to him now, grabbing him by the elbows and looking into his eyes with real fear for him. And yes, the situation could really have been a lot worse. He frowns to realise that, although he knew it. 

"No. He... he was angry at first. But then he... he apologised, kind of..." says Merlin.

"Oh?" she sounds surprised. "Well that's good..." she says, clearly a little confused. 

"I... I was, I am angry with him, because me ... was mean, really mean. Said he wished me dead..." blurts out Merlin, but knowing what he knows, it sounds weak... maybe even a little petty... But his mother doesn't know that.

"So you've come home for a while, to calm down, and let him think about it?" she says logically.

"Yes." he says, nodding, but not meeting her eyes. Because that's it, but it's not even half of it, but he doesn't want to tell her the rest. And he doesn't want to stop being angry at Arthur yet. Because he wanted him to be better than that. He wanted Arthur to accept him right away. And he hadn't, and now he's trying to worm his way back into Merlin's affections with this ridiculous... No, that's not true. There is something wrong with Arthur, and Merlin has only made him worse. 

"Okay then love, that sounds sensible. You just stay here for a bit. I'll get you some dinner" she says smiling, and brushing his hair away from his forehead, before turning away.

\---

He's working in a field, digging away and building up a sweat. He's angry too. He's angry at the tree route he's just hit whilst trying to plough the field, and nearly broken the plough. At the two ox which have proved to be really stubborn when he tries to get them to plough the field in anything near a straight line. And he's just standing, leaning on his shovel, thinking of every curse he could level at this damned tree root, when he sees the messenger from Camelot arrive and hand his mother a small scroll. And he thinks 'Arthur's dead'. Gaius said he would write if... if. He thinks he should cry or scream or at least be sad. Or maybe he should be happy and jubilant, because he hated Arthur. But he doesn't feel anything. Nothing at all. He watches his mother open the scroll and read a little. Her hand comes to her mouth, then she drops it down again, and looks around, catching sight of him for a moment, then walks back into the cottage. 

So Merlin carries on digging, but he doesn't hate the root any more, and he doesn't hate the oxen any more. And he's in no rush to get home, although it won't change anything, and he knows it. Because Arthur is dead. And it's like the world is suddenly incredibly quiet, except the pounding of the shovel into the root, and the twitching of the oxen, which is as loud as a gong in his ear. And all the little sounds of birds in the hedgerow, or sheep in the pasture over. And he wonders why they're so loud when the world is so quiet. And maybe it's not the world that's suddenly so quiet, but him. Because it's like his mind is suddenly empty, empty of any thoughts, of any emotions, of anything at all. And he doesn't know how he hadn't noticed any of these things as he walked out this morning, but he hadn't.

For a moment he wonders whether he should just run. Why, he's not sure. And to where, he doesn't know. Just run and keep running. But he doesn't. He clears the root, and finishes the furrow, before carefully putting the oxen away in the small stables. 

Then, after pausing at the door, he walks into the cottage, and looks at his mother. Her look is hard. And sad.

"Merlin..."

"He's... he's dead, isn't he" he says, calmly, holding her gaze.


	9. Chapter 9

"He's... he's dead, isn't he?" he says, calmly, holding her gaze. She looks at him for a long moment. Her look is still sad. She's standing stiffly. She has her arms loosely crossed in front of her, one holding the letter. 

"No." she says, eventually. "No, he's not" But she's still standing there, sober and cold. 

"Gaius... Gaius writes to ask my advise. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to save Arthur. He says Arthur needs you. But not the you that left Camelot, because that's not the Merlin he knows..." Merlin is blinking slightly. His heart is racing. He can't move, he can't speak. 

"And he's right, you're not. You've not been you since you returned. You're hard and uncaring and angry and..." Merlin feels the tear run down his face, feels his chin begin to tense, but he still can't move.

"And if you don't snap out of whatever mood you're in Arthur is going to die and... Merlin?" Merlin feels his legs give out under him, as he slides down the door, and crumples into a heap on the floor. He buries the heels of his palms into his eyes to stop the tears, but now the damn is burst it's not stopping. And his breaths are coming in deeper and more ragged bursts, and he sounds horrendous, like a child, he knows that. But he can't help it, can't stop it. He's vaguely aware of his mother running and kneeling down next to him on the packed earth floor. 

"Merlin?" He feels her hand rest on his shoulder, then feels it move around his shoulders to pull him in towards her, like she had when he was little. 

"Oh, Merlin! Oh my boy, what has happened?" she says, kissing his head, and rocking him slightly. But he can't answer, not now. But she's not waiting for an answer, so for a long while she just holds him and he cries. 

"I... I've killed Arthur." he whispers out, between painful hiccups and hot tears. 

"No... no, he's alive. Gaius said so." 

"But he's going to...and it's all my fault. Because I hated him. Because I didn't care." 

"No. He's going to be okay. Gaius has got him eating..."

"You said he was going to die!"

For a moment Hunith is quiet. 

"Arthur needs you to return. Gaius can make him eat a little, but he can't convince Arthur that you don't hate him. And he thinks if you return, his spirits will rally. But you can't return until you're healed, Merlin." she says quietly. 

"I'm not ill." says Merlin. But Hunith gives him a pitying look. 

"Merlin, this isn't you. You do not get vindictive against Arthur. Angry and upset yes, but uncaring, never! You certainly do not collapse crying on the floor of my hut. You may not have a contagion. Neither does Arthur, except maybe of the mind. Maybe you do too."

"I'm not mad!" says Merlin, sitting up straighter. 

"I know," she says soothingly, caressing his cheek. 

"But neither are you in your right mind. And I think you know it. That's why you're tearing yourself apart."

"He... he told me I wasn't allowed to die, because dying was the easier way out." says Merlin, like it's a secret. "He said he didn't want me to live either. I was dying of plague for all he knew and he hated me and he didn't care!" This outburst brings on another fit of crying, and Hunith draws him close again. After a moment, she says.

"Merlin... was Arthur in the room when you had the plague?" 

"Yes" sobs Merlin.

"So Arthur risked his life to come and yell at you?" she asks, calmly. Merlin stills a minute, frowning. He turns to look at her. 

"He... he..." starts Merlin. "The things he said!" 

"I know! I know what he said was terrible. It's just... strange, that he would risk his life to do it." 

"He was angry! Upset! I betrayed him! He was so upset! Because I lied!"

"Okay." she says, gently. 

"But he didn't arrest me. He didn't even fire me! He yelled at me, and he said mean things... but he came to see me... and I hated him! Because I always thought he'd... he'd be cold, like Uther... just... just sign a warrant of execution! Didn't..." he pauses, but after a moment, Hunith seems to understand.

"You didn't think you'd have to deal with Arthur after he knew the truth."

"I... always hoped he'd accept my magic... but I never thought that he actually would. I really thought he'd kill me! But he didn't, he just spewed hateful words instead...then acted like nothing had changed..." 

For a moment, Hunith is still and he can feel her tense as she asks. 

"Merlin... are you still waiting for Arthur to change his mind?" He nods against her, crying again.


	10. Chapter 10

Merlin entered Camelot warily. It had been another week before he could bring himself to leave his mother's. Even now his mind was still a mix of conflicting emotions. But the strongest emotion, which had won out over all others, had been worry over Arthur. It always had been. But that hadn't made the journey any easier. The entire way Camelot had seemed to hold him at arms length, as if it knew of his transgressions. And it had made the journey feel slower, like all of the future he could see was between now and arriving in Camelot. 

And it became even more oppressive now as he passed though the gate, like the walls themselves had eyes, watching him. Judging him. 

He walks quickly, darting up to Gaius' chambers, closing the door emphatically behind him, leaning back against it as he breaths. Like he was being pursued. He waits for a knock which doesn't come, then finally breaths for a moment. The chambers are silent. Gaius is out looking after patients. The only sound in the room is the distance city sounds coming in through the window. But even that is closed, and it's muted. 

Finally calming a little, he carries his things up to his room, and settles himself unpacking for a few minutes. But then that is done, and he knows that now he must steel himself to face Arthur. 

He heads to Arthur's chambers first. Of course, Gaius will be with Arthur. Making sure he's okay. It's around lunchtime, he must be supervising Arthur eating. Merlin pauses outside Arthur's door. He hasn't done that since... well no, he's never really done that. He sat outside it once. But he's never stood outside, chewing his thumb and wondering what to say or do. After a moment more, closing his eyes, he pushes the door open. 

The room is empty. And tidy, the bed is made, there are no clothes lying around, or any armour. For a moment Merlin wonders if Arthur has actually died, and somehow Merlin didn't know. But no, he would know. The town would be decked in black, and everyone would be talking about it. He would have passed messengers. Gaius would have sent a messenger to him. He quickly wipes the tears that have sprung in his eyes away, and tries to pull himself together. This must be a good sign, Arthur must be up somewhere, getting some fresh air and exercise. 

He's walking down the stairs, wondering where he might look for Arthur, when he hears his voice. He stops where he stands, between one step and another, as he listens to the sound of Arthur's voice. It's a council meeting, just a normal council meeting. Arthur is discussing city security, he's just handing over to Leon, who has a report. Merlin finds himself nearly smiling to find things so normal. He quietly creeps the rest of the way down the stairs and steels into the chamber at the back, his eyes seeking Arthur the minute he's in the room. 

As Arthur's sitting down, his eyes meet Merlin's too. Merlin tries to smile. He knows its only a half smile. It's too nervous to be much more, but he's not scowling or glaring at Arthur. Nevertheless Arthur's face morphs from bored but relaxed to tense and serious in an instant. He only holds Merlin's gaze for a moment, and then he's looking away, his face blank. Too blank, the blank that is too obviously painted on. But Merlin can't see beyond it. Arthur looks thin, but the skin over his cheeks isnt as taut as it was when he last saw him. And he's not as pale. 

A slight murmur starts up around the chamber, and now Merlin knows he really is being watched. The knights are casting furtive glances his way, and some of the council members aren't being as subtle. Arthur glances up at him again. It's a glare, of sorts. It only lasts a minute, but Merlin understands. Dropping his head, he ducks out of the meeting and runs back to Gaius'. 

\---

He heads to Arthur's chambers that night, passing George, as he leaves with an empty tray. George pauses, starting

"Merlin..."

But Merlin is already pushing through, knocking the door and walking in. Because if he stops, he will think about earlier, in the council chamber, and if he thinks about that, he will never go in. 

Arthur is sat in front of the fire, his plate on his lap. It's a small plate, at least the portion on it is small for Arthur. Arthur's glancing up at him, then double taking, and Merlin can see the tension build in the way he holds himself. From head to toe, he doesn't move, and yet now he's as tense as a bow string. 

"Arthur," says Merlin, "I... " Merlin comes to a halt. For a moment Arthur is looking at him, and all Merlin can do is chew his lip. 

"You came back." states Arthur, turning to place his plate on the table beside him. 

"Yes." says Merlin. 

"Because Gaius told you to." he says, unemotionally. 

"Yes... but I, I wanted to, aswell." Says Merlin, fiddling with his hands at his side. 

"Really?" says Arthur, sarcastically, turning to look at the fire. 

"Yes!" Arthur does look up at that, and Merlin seizes it. 

"I want to come back, I want my job back!"Arthur's head drops at that and Merlin kicks himself. 

"No! It's not like that!" he starts, but Arthur doesn't look up, just looks at his hands on his lap. Merlin's itching to move, so he jumps forward, kneeling by the arm of Arthur's chair. 

"I want to... I want things to go back to how they were. I don't hate you!"

Arthur is looking at him now. His eyes are wide, but he's not smiling when he says. 

"Ok... you can come back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is still more coming. Any comments are greatly appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> I always appreciate any comments anyone wants to make. Positive or constructive, I love them all!! Virtual cookies too!!


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